Punch Drunk

After the DDR post I felt compelled to do a post in honor of the new Grand Theft Auto. Whenever I think of GTA I think of the summer that I was pregnant with Olivia. Chad and I lived in a second floor apartment with no air conditioning and it was the hottest summer in years. My brother came to visit, as was his custom, so that i could spoil him for a week before what was his fifteenth birthday. Well, I hadn't quite told my family about the pregnancy yet, and because I had no morning sickness or anything I thought it would be a breeze to keep from a fifteen year-old boy. Halfway through the week I started puking my guts out. SO my poor brother is stuck in a broiling hot apartment away from his friends with a constantly puking sister.

So we rented GTA, and did nothing but sit on the couch for like four straight days. Towards the end of the week we are stopped at a red light where he is looking out the window at a man on a bike holding up the cross traffic and he turns to me and says, " Bea, do you ever wish you could just walk up to someone and punch them in the face like you can in Grand Theft Auto?" At the time, feeling grossly sick with parental responsibility I felt compelled to remind him of the moral vacuum that was GTA. Until the light turned green and the biker was still holding up traffic and I told him that an exception could be made for complete f@#$ing idiots.

Fantasy Island

Do you ever have those days where you wake up and everything is just clicking? I rarely have days like this anymore thanks to sleep deprivation, but today it is happening. No tantrums, we slept late, Chad has a light week so we were actually able to coordinate calendars for a lunch date, Olivia asked to clean the house. So we did. My tub is clean, sparkling clean, so I get to take a great bath tonight. Best of all, my husband cooked tonight's dinner yesterday, so a home-cooked meal, not cooked by me!

SO I am going to use Olivia's nap time to get a little planning ahead done and daydream about next week where Olivia goes to Grandma's for four whole days!!!!

You say you want a revolution

I do not love video games. I do not like computer games. In general I have banned my daughter from most screens and fought tooth and nail to keep her from the television. SO when we happened upon "teen hour" at the library this week I was slightly put off by the fact that this consists of the library setting up a Wii in our community room. I know that they are trying to get them in there any way that they can, but come on. Anyway, Olivia was down there in approximately two seconds to check the whole thing out. What did she find?

Dance Dance Revolution, or DDR to those in the know (don't think I didn't notice Rachel).

Olivia was all over that. I attempted to put her off by telling her it was only for the big kids, and I was promptly shouted down by the big kids who thought she was adorable. For those of you living under a rock, DDR is a game where you imitate a dancer on the screen while on a special mat and you are scored on the accuracy of your imitation. Olivia did quite well and had a great time, so the third wall of technology has fallen. I now have to avoid the library on Thursday afternoons so that I don't end up with a child that spends her days in sweaty isolation in mall arcades dancing to the greatest hits of the 90's.

More photos

The top is this year's market, and the bottom is Olivia and her one true love, Alex, the boy next door. Olivia was so thrilled to finally have the physical strength to pull her trailer with her bike. We have been reading a book about Paul Revere so picture this if you will: Olivia pedaling at glacial speed with immense effort with little Alex screaming at the top of her lungs, "The Redcoats are coming!!!"

Farmer's Market Montage

So instead of family photos at Christmas, we take photos of Olivia every year on the first day of Farmer's Market. Well, except in 2005 when we were in New York for the first market so we took one in Central Park. Since I haven't figured out how to squeeze in one more photo, this year's will be its own post. I think this shows how much we love Farmer's Market as a family and as a community. We ar very proud of our little market and now with rising prices due to fuel costs it is more reason than ever to shop locally. I went twice this week.

I consider it a distinct injustice that it is not even 70 degrees today, yet, I am sunburned.

The Voice in My Head

Today, because he loves me, and becasue he is feeling a little guilty about the fact that he has a posh gym membership and I am still out running in the rain, Chad bought me a little thing that goes in my running shoe and times my workout. Why is this important? Because I am so bi-polar with my running, I am constantly over or under doing it. Now I can program this little device to the specifications of a set running program like Cool Runnings and I will have a cute little voice come over my ipod to tell me when to walk run or run faster. If I am not running as fast as I should it plays a certain song of my choosing to remind me to move faster.

So now I need to pick that song, because I might be hearing it a lot.

Waking up

So after a few weeks of being mired in over-committed land I am finally emerging and returning to the land where I get to use my brain again. How do I wake up my brain?

1) Running, if nothing else this is one half-hour that I am alone with my thoughts.
2)Design Sponge-It is like letting creativity just wash over me. The colors alone are enough to wake up my brain.
3) Start a new book and read a little Good magazine to lift my spirits.
4) Move all my junk to a new bag. It makes me feel organized until two days from now when that new bag morphs into the black hole that has eaten all my crap.

So what I am going to do with all this new-found creativity? Tackle that darn kitchen project once and for all, actually cook in my own kitchen since it has been quite awhile, I also see a trip to my local nursery in my future.

What are you guys doing? It is has been quite some time since I have heard from any of you.

Because I love Brad more than I hate these lists

So I am in the shit house with Brad and I sympathize because I do a little whimper when I go to his page and it hasn't been updated so I will do his little list to make it up to him. The rest of you can just move on down to the new pics of the kid.

A-Attached or single? Attached, seriously? Is that the best A word you can come up with? So many better one, aardvarks, yea or nay? Asshole, who is the biggest one you know? i would even accept favorite variety of apple over attached. If you are reading my list you know that i am married.

B-Best friend? Best friend, question mark? Does this give you the option to not have a best friend? If so, who is the sad sack making one of these lists who has no best friend? Me, I am my own best friend. Though I guess I have to say Chad or I'll be in the shit house with him too. It'll be like Hilary Swank when she didn't thank Chad Lowe. And we see how that all ended.

C-Cake or pie? Normally I would object to being forced to rank desserts because they are all beautiful in my eyes, but here I have to come down on the side of cake. I do not enjoy jelled fruits or fruit that is hot, which eliminates most pies. But if it was a battle between like Key Lime Pie, which I love, and Black Forest Cake, which contains the artificial cherries I would choose pie. See so arbitrary.

D-Day of choice? What does that even mean? Halloween is my favorite day of the year, but it appears that most people doing this list are choosing days of the week in which case I would choose Thursday. I feel this one is open to interpretation so I choose Halloween.

Essential item? Toothbrush. This may be why I am on anti-anxiety medication, but I lose it if I can't brush my teeth first thing.

F-Favorite color? Whatever color we finally decide on for our counter tops will be my favorite color of all time because choosing those has been like giving freaking birth.

G-Gummy bears or worms?-I generally try to avoid all things gummy, unless it is those fruit slices, yum.

H-Hometown? I suppose I have to claim the entire Northern Chicago suburbs as my hometown.

I-Indulgences? Sleeping in, reading a good book, buying coffee.

J-January or July? This is a no win. January is post-holiday winter let down and July is a mosquito-infested, humidity laden sweat-fest here in the lovely Midwest.

K-Kids? What about them? You want mine?

L-Life isn't complete without? Chad is now insisting after above best friend comment that i put him here.

M-Marriage date? May 10, 1999. That's right kids, I was married in the nineties.

N-Number of brothers and sisters? One of each, though I would roll them and their incessant texting into any giveaway package.

O-Oranges or apples? I hate that white pith that you can never quite seem to get off of oranges so apples.

P-Phobias or fears?-I have claustrophobia that extends even to tight clothing. It's the fat man in a little suit syndrome.

Q-Quote? " You are the best mama ever." This is usually because I have made cookies.

R-Reason to smile? When that jackass that has been riding your ass for miles gets pulled over by the cops.

S-Season of choice? Fall for sure, we only have one good season.

T-Tag? I should make Brad do this stupid thing twice.

U-Unknown fact about me? I have a blog which serves to do nothing but make all facts about me known so this is a toughie. While I do know how to square dance, as well as work a stripper pole, I think I have to go with the fact that I cannot ride a bike. I must qualify, I can ride a bike, but I cannot stop the bike without falling off.

V-Vegetable? No thank you. Though, I do love peas.

W-Worst habit? Other than my constant negativity and crass language? Definitely, I would have to say brushing my teeth while I walk around the house. It makes Chad crazy.

X-Ray or Ultrasound? Anyone who has had to drink two liters of liquid and then be denied the opportunity to use the bathroom would never choose ultrasound.

Y-Your favorite food? This is like Solomon and the baby splitting! i can't do it, can't do it.

Z-Zebra or horse? Is there like a zebrose, kind of like a liger?

False Advertising

Chad has asked me not to publish these photos because he believes that if I do no one will believe me that what you are looking at are pictures of a horrible beast. I would like to take this opportunity to assert for the last several weeks she has been very ill behaved and the hair bow may actually be covering horns. Also, she bites.

However, I have also been forbidden to insinuate that we may have turned a corner this week because my husband believes that doing so may curse us. So I will just thank Annie and Jimmy for photographed couture and let them know that she was the best-dressed kid at the Madison Zoo today.

Why I Hate Jack Johnson

At first I thought that I hated Jack Johnson because I was jealous. In my personal opinion, if you don't wake up at least a few times a year and want to chuck it all and move to a hut on the beaches of Hawaii there is something wrong with you, pure and simple. After all, he apparently does nothing other than write the same song over and over again and surf. But as I watched the hilarious skit on Saturday Night Live this week skewering his laid back lifestyle, I thought, no I hate him for the same reason I hated Phish in college and those damn hippies who do impromptu drum circles seemingly everywhere in Madison. It is the sense of entitlement. Why, why should the radio continue playing the same song over and over again just because Jack Johnson wrote it? Why must I be subjected to the torture of trying to distinguish the minute differences amongst his seemingly endless string nonsensical blatherings? Some might feel that he is a no-talent ass-clown, but I maintain that it is arrogance that makes these horrible bands think that they can release the same songs over and over again.

Youth of America, put down your joint and release us from your horrible, horrible music. Dave Matthews is laughing at you and counting his millions.

Early bird

So I got up at 6:45 today and ran for the first time this season. i have been procrastinating it because it is still freaking cold here, 26 degrees this morning, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. However, I must have been experiencing runner's amnesia because it is no colder than I remember it being when I was running in late November. SO I got 25 minutes to actually have peace and quiet, I remembered what having a complete thought that was uninterrupted by "Mooommy, I want it NOW!!!!" was like.

However, the bitterness of the fact that tomorrow is going to be twice as warm as today and it is Chad's day to run has not yet subsided.

All that zen meditation crap sure comes in handy when you are considering infanticide

Ok, so my blogging has not improved. To be fair, it is not just my blogging that has suffered, but there is an entire week of world events and Britney gossip that have passed me by as I attempt to make it through my days with my child. Oh yes, it has gotten that bad.

If I think about it carefully, Chad and I experience bizzarro Olivia about once a year. Bizzarro Olivia is evil incarnate. Tantrum throwing, sleep striking, stubborn refusal to do anything she does not want to do, evil incarnate. This stage can last an indeterminate amount of time, but in the past, no more than a month and then she returns to the child we know and love. But every year she gets smarter and bigger, and well, more arbitrary. The only way to deal with bizzarro Olivia is a complete, uniform crackdown of discipline that I would compare to putting up hurricane shutters. Chad and I both need to be on board, at the top of our game and do seamless tag-teaming otherwise you hit total burnout.

So this is what I have been doing, patiently sitting outside her room repeating in even tones, whatever it is that I am trying to get accomplished. For instance, "Spitting toothpaste is my face is not appropriate. When you can calm down and apologize you may come out." To which I hear a shrieking reply from the other side of the door that usually sounds something like this,"No, I want to spit toothpaste, let me out, let me ooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttt!" This goes on for an average of about forty minutes. Generally it spirals to a list of life's unfair principals and ends with her wanting a new family. It is amazing how much more energy it takes to remain calm than it does to totally freak out. Thank goodness I am comfortably Celaxed.

White Flag

In our house we have a few debates that are as old as time, who controls the remote, who's turn it is to do the dishes, who gets the last cookie, but one argument that i must cede to Chad, this year anyway, is who has the superior newspaper. The Washington Post soundly kicked my poor NYT's ass this year at the Pulitzers. C'est la vie.

Quick list of the reasons I am still not calling you back

1) We had to take the cat back yesterday. It was horrible, and the short version of the story ends with me screaming crying begging Chad not to take the cat back after I had spent the morning bitching about cleaning poop out of three different places.

2) The WI film festival was this weekend and we cashed in every babysitting favor we were owed to get there.

3) We put in our garden.

4) After finally coming out of the fog that was the first four days of Celexa I am now feeling more capable of dealing with Olivia's meltdown outbursts which have included "I hate you and I want a new family'" "You don't know anything and nobody listens to what you say," and finally "You need a new car this one is too old."

So with Chad home nearly every evening this week, things are looking up. I just might call you back.

The Indignities of Air Travel

When I asked Chad to tell me a funny story last night this is what he produced and it is a doozy if you know Chad at all. My husband is a calm, rational, non-confrontational man, that is, until you tap into his pit of righteous indignation. Then you get lawyer Chad, and then you see why he charges hundreds of dollars and hour.

To appreciate this story you must also appreciate Chad's love of the Dunkin Donuts. It remains a mystery to me how a boy raised in the land where granola and sprouts on a sandwich were invented can love nothing but food fried and/or covered in gravy. I am convinced that this and this alone is why we continue to live in the Midwest, where everything is friend and covered in mayonnaise. You must also understand that Madison has no Dunkin Donuts, a very bitter pill for Chad to swallow along with the fact that we are in the Midwest, yet there is no Sonic. But, i digress.

So Chad gets to the airport, goes through security with his one enormous carry on and realizes (cue the angels' choir) that there is a Dunkin Donuts. He buys a super-size coffee, because he is going to try and make this coffee last all the way to Madison, apparently, and boards the plane. This coffee is hot, because, apparently, Dunkin Donuts is trying to keep it hot all the way to Madison, and so Chad has not yet had a sip of said enormous coffee. He sits and is promptly informed by the regional carrier stewardess with a power trip that he can not have any beverages in his hand during take off and she will have to confiscate his coffee. This is where Chad dips into his business-traveller flight rage and and tries to challenge the veracity of said air-traffic regulation. He tells me that at one point she physically put her hand on the coffee and he snatched it away. This is where I start rolling with laughter at the thought of my mild-mannered husband fighting to the death for a coffee that was probably bigger than his head. Long story short she allowed him to "stow it with his carry on" ie put it at his feet while the flight took off. Because I am sure it is much less likely to spill that way.

Chad says it was the best damn coffee he ever drank. I told him he was lucky that she didn't throw his ass of the plane.