Why I Hate Jack Johnson

At first I thought that I hated Jack Johnson because I was jealous. In my personal opinion, if you don't wake up at least a few times a year and want to chuck it all and move to a hut on the beaches of Hawaii there is something wrong with you, pure and simple. After all, he apparently does nothing other than write the same song over and over again and surf. But as I watched the hilarious skit on Saturday Night Live this week skewering his laid back lifestyle, I thought, no I hate him for the same reason I hated Phish in college and those damn hippies who do impromptu drum circles seemingly everywhere in Madison. It is the sense of entitlement. Why, why should the radio continue playing the same song over and over again just because Jack Johnson wrote it? Why must I be subjected to the torture of trying to distinguish the minute differences amongst his seemingly endless string nonsensical blatherings? Some might feel that he is a no-talent ass-clown, but I maintain that it is arrogance that makes these horrible bands think that they can release the same songs over and over again.

Youth of America, put down your joint and release us from your horrible, horrible music. Dave Matthews is laughing at you and counting his millions.