It's A Demolition Bitches!!

Ahhhh, I love the smell of ugly ass cabinets being thrown out in the garage in the evening. Okay maybe that doesn't work, but I need to ride my remodeling high as long as it takes me because eventually it will occur to me that my kitchen is missing and I haven't seen the cereal in a few days. Also, that everything in the kitchen is probably covered in asbestos or lead paint, or both. Anyone who has ever stepped in my kitchen should come look at it now because it looks huge! I could actually be persuaded to not put anything back in and just turn the kitchen into a discotheque.

*Note in my ongoing things that I have done wrong that others should learn from. DO explain any remodel in excruciating detail to your four year old so that you can avoid the horrific scene of her screaming and clinging to hideous green cabinetry that you are dragging to the garage and secretly hoping hoping someone will steal.

Thank God Madison, WI Hates America

So here is my confession, I geek out on really weird holidays. Halloween and Fourth of July. It's not that i am rah, rah America, but living in the Midwest does imbue you with a little small-town America nostalgia. Mostly because your drive to the nearest IKEA takes you through about twenty of those towns and by the time you get to the IKEA you feel like your head is going to explode because your two worlds have collided. But I digress. Typically, this is our number two party holiday where we do fried chicken, turn mac and cheese into a side dish, make homemade ice cream sandwiches, and send everyone out to the lawn for a little croquet and sparklers. I spend about two weeks in a heavy make out session with Martha Stewart Living and cry that I do not have perfect red white and blue bunting on MY porch.

So this year I was a little sad to admit that because of the remodel we were going to have to scale back. Our local fireworks show totally redeemed it though. Our fireworks themselves are typically awesome, but can, occasionally, be programmed to some really crappy music. Last year it was a bunch of random crap that the radio stations put up and it was like when all of your friends got high and went to see if you could match up The Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd, and you, the only one not high, were left wondering what one had to do with the other and realizing you don't much care for Pink Floyd. This year though I was totally excited to hear it programmed to the prime American nostalgia of musicals, Beach Boys and early Beatles. I know that is totally lame but it made me totally happy because, to me, singing along with my daughter to the fireworks is what America is all about. No patriotism God Bless America shoved down your throat, we didn't even have to hear about the troops. The finale was programmed to the theme music to the HBO show, John Adams, a brilliant selection; reminiscent of early Americana without being the Star Spangled Banner. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the troops and their families, but there are a lot of wonderful people who sacrifice for America and work hard to make it a great country. It was nice to see a Fourth display that reminded us that the reason why people love America is when all is said and done about American consumerism and imperialism, we celebrate the birth of our nation and our love for our country by having a simple picnic and coming together as a community to watch lights in the sky.

Leftovers

Here are the leftover camping/Arboretum photos. As previously stated, Olivia quickly removed all clothing while camping so this was her protest when her mother begged her to put clothing on since the mosquitos were eating her alive. The above photo is Olivia imitating a mole. An animal that you never think about brought vivdly to life.

Beautiful Dreamer

This is quite possibly the most beautiful picture that I have ever seen. This is Angie, her fantastic husband Mike, and baby Luke. i always thought that pictures of my baby would be the most beautiful, but these are my friends who have had to endure things that would have broken other people, certainly divorced them, but they are smiling with the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. The baby I held my breath and prayed for nine months for when his mother called me in the middle of fixing dinner for thirty people to tell me, the only baby that I have ever gotten on my knees and prayed for, the baby who I will thank God for every day because he is so deserved by his parents who I know believe that he makes up for every terrible thing that has happened to them. And he does because he is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.

At Angie's shower I made Luke a shirt that says "Dream Come True" and he is to everyone who loves Angie and Mike. I can't wait to hug him and squeeze him and tell him so.

Clearance sale

I am trying to clear out the cupboard in preparation for demo and I saw this link. Mini-muffin tin lunches, brilliant! What a great way to get rid of all the little plastic baggies of snacks i have hanging around.

I have been in a nasty slump lately, partly from the dr messing with my meds, partly from the vicious hoard of mosquitos that come from massive flooding ruining all of Olivia and i's fun plans for the week. i think a little whimsy is just what I need to pull out of it.

Before and After

See the resemblence? Tell me this doesn't just set your heart aflutter? If I had an kabillion dollars I would just buy all this artist's works. Dreamy.

Suck It England!

So you think you can deny Martha entry? Take this, trifle-eaters! Though I feel a deep sadness at being denied the opportunity to hear "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" live, I suppose this is an appropriate object lesson on not locking Norwegian hookers in your hotel room. I mean, come on, just pay the man, that's bad karma-chameleon.

Adventures In The Great Outdoors

So Chad and I checked a major thing off our wish list this weekend which was to take Olivia on her first camping trip. I'll have photos up tomorrow when I sift through the stuff and bugs to locate the camera. I will admit to being a little nervous that this was going to be a total freaking disaster, but it ended up only being train wreck with some redeeming moments of family bonding. i will sum it up in three telling highlights

1) Olivia took the opportunity to experience nature au naturale by refusing to wear clothes whenever we were in our campsite.

2) I was feeling a little insecure about our seeming lack of camping equipment until we made a kickass meal with nothing but foil and a cast iron skillet.

3) After mercilessly mocking my husband for his desire to sleep on an air mattress, going so far as to refer to him as princess for most of the weekend, I had a much more embarrassing bourgeois moment. So what comes after massive flooding is, of course, massive mosquitoes so after my third application of bug spray, suntan lotion, and cooking smores with a four year-old my hands were sticky, disgusting, and somehow still covered in bug bites. So, naturally I freaked out. I marched to the car, dug out my bottle of Origins hand soap that my mother had just given to me as part of a very pricey birthday gift and totally washed my hands from a water pump, squatting in the mud with thirty dollar soap. You know what? I felt much better.

It wasn't my best camping trip ever mostly because we wanted to be close to stuff for Olivia's sake and that means being close to people. And you all know how i feel about people. It was a big confidence booster and next year we will be ready for a nice hike in site where there will be no people, or air mattresses.

Eternal Satisfaction of The Half-Crazed Mind

Because i don't have a counter or a tracker on my blog I never know quite who is reading this thing and I am always surprised when people come up to me and tell me that they are reading my blog. I know I should make and effort at gearing the blog toward one particular group of reader, but frankly, i am just too lazy. So all of my childless readers are going to have to endure, or skip over, my parenting post. Lately, I have been able to turn a corner with a Olivia and her crazy behavior and I am a firm believer in telling everyone that my child is a horrible beast, as opposed to those mothers that deny that their children ever misbehave and they must just be the most perfect parents on earth, and then telling everyone how I finally and eventually slay the beast.

Number one is the photo above. This is Olivia's drum teacher, Dane. At first everyone thought I was crazy to hire someone to give my daughter private drum lessons and after about a month of lessons i did too. I am telling you people, e-mail me and i will give you this kid's number because he is a gem. The last few weeks we have been struggling with olivia paying absolutely no attention and really not enjoying lessons so Dane sucked it up, went to one of his professors and got a whole bunch of new ideas and this week lessons were a dream. This is why you pay for private lessons, because in a group class Olivia would have been my problem, the teacher would have been reluctant to modify her teaching style and i would have ended up having to look for a new class, not too easy, or drop out. Total waste of money. Yes, it is worth it. Suck it up and put your four year old in private music lessons, Olivia's dancing has improved as well as her sense of rhythm and her reading ability. Dane took part of the lesson to show Olivia how to break down the syllables in her book into a rhythm. Something the musically retarded, like yours truly, would never have thought of.

Teach your kid sign language. Olivia has been fascinated with sign language after watching a cartoon about a deaf child a few months ago. I put up a lot of resistance to trying to learn it, because frankly, we were already overwhelmed with the other two languages she wants to learn. Two weeks ago I buckled and took out some books at the library, of course, and was elated at the possibilities. We have been using sign language as an alternative for Olivia to express her emotions. Olivia is incredibly emotional, and though she tries pretty hard to use her words, sometimes the impulse to hit or scream or break things takes over and once you are at that point it is a good half hour before you get your kid back again. The sign language is a great physical alternative for Olivia to use her body, important for a dancer, to express what she is feeling. Giving me the sign for angry is way better than being hit, let me tell you. Plus it has been working great to communicate when I need her to be quiet while I am on the phone, She knows the basic, I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, or typically, I'm angry that you are on the phone.

I am still working on getting her to make smooth transitions and taking less than three hours to get dressed, and then staying in that outfit for the whole day, but one thing at a time i guess.

What I Am Loving Now

i haven't done one of these in awhile so I thought I would do a quick one because of all the birthday paraphenalia.

1) Tokyo Bay watches, some are a little cheesy, but the one Chad bought me for the b-day was fabulous AND cheap.

2) These earings by Anthropoligie. Classic.

3) Murder Mysteries. Nothing says summer to me like a good mystery novel. I am considering ditching Book Theif and coming back to it in the Fall so I can read Lush Life and Into the Woods.

4) Aveeno's new SPF lotion. Fair girls like me have been awaiting the day where I no longer have to put on lotion AND suntan lotion.

5) All of the delightful kitchen accessories i found at Century House last weekend. It is not going to take me long to finish decorating this kitchen.

They Say It's Your Birthday

It's my birthday too! Well, it was anyway. Here are some pics from what we did. Olivia and I sprung for a pricey class at the University's Arboretum and got to spend the whole morning digging in the dirt to find Olivia's favorite creepy crawlies. Olivia's prize in her specimen jar? TWO spiders that she gleefully let crawl all over her while the other mom and kids cringed. It was a proud mama moment. We spent the rest of the morning wandering through the gorgeous Arboretum and encountering wild turkeys on a perfect summer day.

Then Olivia had a terrific drum lesson with Dane who brought her the bells that the Indian dancers that she so loves wear on their feet and she is still in seventh heaven. Then my hubby took me out for pizza and my favorite, lemon sorbet. He didn't even blink when I told him that I wanted sorbet instead of the fabulously glamorous dessert that he had bought from a local bakery. Then he accompanied me while I shopped in all my favorite downtown stores. All in all, a great day. When I got home I got to listen to all my great messages from family and friends, some of which were hilarious. And I found out the exact date that Angie is having her baby, which everyone in our house is ecstatic about. Oh, and the title paperwork finally came through so kitchen construction starts Monday! Thanks to everyone who made this a great b-day!

Guest Post - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY!

Chad here. After yesterday's touching post, it's only fair that I take the opportunity today to sneak onto Liz's blog and wish her a very happy birthday. I don't know of anyone who's more deserving of a special day in her honor. Liz is funny, loving, and she does more in one day to ensure Olivia is ready for her future than most parents do in a month. I don't know quite how I lucked into having this beautiful woman in my life, but I'm glad I did. I love you more than anything, and I hope you have a great day and a great year.

(And to the loyal readers of this blog: don't worry, the inter-family lovefest is almost over and the snarky blogging you know and love will return shortly.)

All it took was a quick cruise though my photo album to remind me of what a good dad Chad is. Cutting down Christmas trees, performing alongside Olivia at her dance recital, videoing her first laugh, teaching her everything in life that is important like how to work a video game controller and what a double play is. Today when I asked him if we should have Olivia's portrait taken since most of our candid photos involve terrific fashion trainwrecks, his response? "Without the those outfits it just wouldn't seem like her." He is Olivia's hero, best friend, man of her dreams, co-conspirator and greatest advocate against her evil, over-programming mother. He is the savior of a carefree childhood and provider of all illicit treats. His only admonition is to be good for Mommy.

I maintain to this day and will tell anyone who asks that my greatest life accomplishment is finding the man who would be an unbelievable father to my child. The man who carried around the ultrasound picture of his child the approximate size of a kidney bean and showed it to people unsolicited and at random. The man who blew off his friends because his daughter was more fun to take to the game. The man who knows his most important job as a father is to tell his wife what a good mother she is, every day. I feel sad every year at Father's Day that the only way to tell my husband that he is my dream come true is to grill red meat and go to a baseball game. Soon Olivia will take over the mantle and shower her father with delightful gifts and appreciation. And probably all the treats I refuse to let him eat.

Olivia, poster girl of healthy animosity

Olivia was the fan photo of the week at the Mallards web site. You can check it out here by going to the bottom of the page.

If you'll excuse me i have to pack up her baseball lunchbox for tonight's game so that she can pick up her new t-shirt for being fan of the week. Pretty soon she won't have to bother with non-Mallards clothing at all.

When it rains it pours

I can only imagine how hard it has been to live without my posts this week but you can comfort yourself with the fact that you are not going to have to build an ark to save your family. Seriously, have you turned on the weather channel this week? That is us motherf@#$ers!!! Those houses floating away, tornadoes, hail, it is end of the world weather here. How it is happening to us I don't understand, we are the Midwest, the last of the God-fearing people.

Anyway, so I left the lush tropics of Southwest Florida to come home and bail out the basement. I knew my week was not going to go well when Liv and i had to make an emergency landing and were met by half a dozen emergency vehicles. Then the basement flooded, but not in the part where we have removeable carpet tiles, oh no, a whole new part of the basement that required ripping up carpeting and baseboards. Then I broke my baby toe (ok, severely sprained, but that shit hurt) and then Chad decided we needed a dog. Add to that our kitchen remodel being pushed back, again, and I want a vodka tonic and a nap. And maybe some chocolate cookies and a Law and Order marathon. Yeah, that should do it.

Okay, my eyeballs are falling out from watching election coverage so this will be short. I am out of town for the next week so posting will be light to non-existent.

Do You Believe In Magic?

My friend Rachel send me this e-mail today. "Ellie's wand cast a spell on my tummy today to give me another baby. But then Ellie uncast the spell and decided the spell should be cast on you! Keep us posted."

I don't have the heart to tell Ellie that there is only one kind of magic wand that can make that happen, and let's just say it is not as magical as it used to be. Ouch it was too easy, I couldn't resist!

To make up for it I will tell a self-depricating story. Not long ago I was conversing with a female aquaintance about my excitement over the Sex and The City movie and she gave me a not so-subtle once-over and said, "Really? I wouldn't have pegged you as being into that sort of thing." So there's my ouch. i would just like to say that even though I am generally smeared with fingerpaint and a vague sticky substance, could be toothpaste, could be melon from breakfast, that does not mean that i do not hold a deep and abiding love for Narciso Rodriguez and the only way I keep myself from eating that second brownie is the hope that some day I might shove my fat ass into ready-to-wear.

In A Galaxy Far Far Away

Okay this is one of those hilarious videos that belong on You Tube because of the general hilarity of the subject matter. This is Olivia's dress rehearsal for her dance recital. I should note that no part of this is choreographed, what you hear in the background in the teacher yelling random prompts like, try to get lower, or try a spin so as not to get a recital full of girls running around in a circle that is the dance equivalent of the soccer players running in a pack. So every one of these moves is totally random and sprung from Olivia's head in that exact moment.

I would like everyone to note the subtle nuances of Olivia's performance like: she is always the first one on the stage, while you can't see it in this clip she also has the longest bow and has to be physically removed from the stage, she plays equally well to the camera and the mirror behind the camera to make sure all eyes are on her at all times, including her own, Olivia's chosen character (or motivation) for this stellar performance is pink and purple melting ice cream which is both specific and VERY dramatic.

What I feel is most important to note is that there is one lone boy in Olivia's class so in an attempt to balance the scales of power the teacher let Emil choose the music. It makes the video methinks.