We cut to win

I am looking at a flier on my desk entitled All About YOUR Vasectomy, as if other brochures talked about OTHER peoples vasectomies. So here it is, the blog post you may not want to read about Chad and I's quarter -life crisis. Chad turned the big 3-0 last year and I will be turning thirty, eventually, and we are having a crisis. I think at one point people had these when they turned forty or even fifty, that moment where you ask yourself what have I done? Or worse yet, what now?

My friends who are almost all thirty, some quite near to forty, laugh at me with some bitter derision that I am afraid to turn thirty. The last few months have been starting to feel like all the decisions in my life are getting replayed for me, my friends are finally getting married and having babies, things I did nearly (ouch) a decade ago. Now this, the V word. I won't get into the gritty details of the back and forth of this decision, suffice to say Chad thinks he is done and I wasn't ready to call it quits. Yet, I can honestly say that it has nothing to do with having more children. As much as I love children and opening my home to the children of my friends, I like my me time and more kids equals a lot less of that. Yes, yes we have heard all the arguments for siblings and we don't buy them. It is nothing against my friends and relatives who want to have numerous children, I love siblings, my own included, it is just not for me. Why then is it so hard to say that I don't want any more kids? Mostly because then I have to figure out what's next.

I have to admit that this is it, this is all that there is: one kid, one house, the spouse, his job. That is the sum total of my life. It shouldn't be a crushing realization, I love all these things very much, well maybe not Chad's job. But I love the money, yes I do. Now here is where I want to state that I do not want six posts from everyone telling me to get a job. A job is not what is missing. A career, even when I loved my job, and I did have jobs and co-workers that I really loved, most of the time just felt like one more thing pulling me yet another direction. I love the path that I have chosen, I guess I just wish that it felt cooler. I know, lame! Can the ennui really be just about not being the person I thought I would be? Did that rhyme? I read Candide at fourteen, I sang "When I Was A Teenage Whore" in the mirror before Hole was the Courtney Love show, I got kicked out of AP English for calling my teacher a dilettante. I maintained cool for a good long time, through college, what happened to me? Explaining Diane Arbus to Olivia just isn't cutting it.

It's like the doctor told Chad today, we cut to win.