Woman on the Verge

Here are some things that I should be embarassed to admit about my bi-polar morning, but it has been awhile since I brought the funny so let's all have a good laugh at me. After a woeful hour of web surfing this morning, I was feeling a little out of it. I stayed up late last night so that I could have a little visit with my hubby who didn't finish up with work until about 9 and so maybe I was sleepy or whatever. I decided that I needed to pull out of the funk after I caught myself sitting and staring at a wall for what appeared to have been more than a few minutes. So here is what I did and you post and tell me whether or not this behavior counts as the precursor to a nervous breakdown.

1) Got up and did yoga stretches with Olivia, pulled muscle in neck. Realized the child has aged me in dog years. For every year that she has been alive I have aged seven.

2) Turned on some great girl rock (remind me to do a post about my weakness for girl-fronted rock bands no matter how poor in quality they are). Went to the DSW and tried on shoes that I absolutely could not afford and would have absolutely no place to wear them to. Looked around to make sure I was not being watched and runway walked in very big heels. This is not so embarassing in itself, I suspect many women love to try on expensive shoes, however most probably don't critique themselves based on tacky advice of transvestite runway coaches. Especially when they are about 60lbd too big and four inches too short to me a model. Purchased new sandals so that I no longer have to wear the ones held together by duct tape.

3) Went to the Lands End which is the only game in town for fat girls and women over forty in the swimwear department. I held up a swimsuit that I have purchased and returned twice in the face of the nearest sales associate and said, "This doesn't fit. I don't know why it doesn't fit, but I have exactly one week until I have to wear it. Please fix it." Then she proceeded to tell me that my breasts were too close to my shoulders and I was always going to have trouble finding a swim suit that fits properly. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I cannot even begin to wrap my head around the fact that my breasts are too close to my shoulders, what kind of randomness is that? I'll tell you what kind of randomness, the kind that means I have to pay twice as much for a swimsuit.

4) After securing a proper Mommy and me suit, I put on my big sunglasses and used my remaining ten minutes to eat Taco Bell while driving to pick Olivia up from school. It was then that I realized that I was one backwards car seat away from being Britney Spears.

This is what I have been reduced to.