Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

There are days, and thankfully i don't have many, that i cannot quiet my inner bitch. i try, but I fail. Today I'm not even sure I am trying. I did feel it coming on last night, so I put myself to bed early and then put myself back to bed after getting the kids off this morning. No luck. I am CRABBY! I am starting to forget what sunshine is after, literally now, weeks of rain. Three people, one of which was a toddler, were electrocuted at my bus stop yesterday after a lightning struck a power line right next to them. Chad's end of summer softball game was cancelled, which has made my daughter crabby. We have had some pretty sick friends, flooding neighbors, and the few last weeks of summer that we had after travel and visitors that we were going to spend as a family have been spent in our basement.

I am fighting with my health insurance company, and I am out of stamps. My floor needs to be mopped, and I hate mopping. I just yelled at my husband, and I know today is a day that I will probably yell at my child, or anyone who talks to me.

I think I'll move to Australia.

Yummy dialog

So Chad is on a health kick. By health kick I mean he convinced me to throw away all the cookies and we have started working out everyday. I will reserve my cynicism for how long it will last and how many of these we have been through because we are in the honeymoon period. however, i will offer you a frightening look into the mind of someone obviously addicted to food.

So monday on the way home from the grocery store this is what is going through my mind (at least I wasn't saying it out loud).

"God, that mac and cheese sounded so good."
"When was the last time Kraft mac and cheese was good? When you were six?"
"But I am so hungry and it just sounds filling and satisfying. I'll put peas in it and it will be sort of healthy. Plus it's fast i only have twenty minutes to eat."
"What part of eating healthier is eluding you right now?"
"Back the F@#$ off, I haven't had a cookie in a week!"
"Oh my God, I am talking to myself in my head. i am having a dialog in my own mind. Oh this is blogworthy."
"At least eat the granola bar in your purse."

What else you can do when stuck inside

Here's a nice double entandre. IFC has put out its list of the 50 Greatest Sex Scenes in Cinema. I had never heard of the film they ranked number one, but a few of my faves did make the list. Out of Sight, one Chad and I's favorties only made it to 26, but Unfaithful's steamy scenes went to 18. I was a little impressed that they picked a History of Violence as number two, considering the scene boders on spousal rape, but their justification made sense. I was also proud that i had seen a few films on the list, with IFC it was a kind of obscure crowd.

You have your next date night movie now, your welcome.

Why You Should Recycle Your Jokes

So Chad and I are in bed two nights ago joking about how much rain we have because it has rained continuously for 7 of the last eight days. So I say, "Do they sell arks on eBay?" Chad makes some jokes about the shipping and cost of bubble wrap, ha ha. The reason you should tell a joke a few times is because the next day when i told the joke to a neighbor she immediately responds with, "eBay? Do you know what they will be going for on there right now? I'd check Craigslist."

So keep it going people, when you have had enough rain that your yard has a moat and you wake up confused thinking at some point in the night you were transported to Seattle you need a good laugh. Because the forecast is rain for another week.

Fall Previews

We had Fall weather today. The rainy, gray, cool weather that I love the most. I actually disgusted myself with the sheer litter surrounding my side of the bed: cups, magazines, newspaper, books. I'm starting to get my lazy groove back. unfortunately, the rest of my family is bucking it like it is a rash. Chad spent most of the day complaining loudly about how it is still summer, damn it. And Olivia doesn't understand the words lazy or slow and I have tried it in several different languages. Where does she get that from?

Up To Date

Now i have responded to my own post and finally added a "other sites i visit section." This, obviously isn't a daily or comprehensive list, just a sampling. Mostly because my daily routine really consists of checking the weather, my bank account and my library holds, and that's not cool. This list, cooler. Of course, my husband is somewhere checking my internet history saying, "Pretentious much? When was the last time you went to the NYT site? Your history tells me three weeks ago."

My Bubbly, Bipolar Baby

Can you tell that Olivia and my lesson for the week is alliteration. Yeah, it hurts my brain sometimes too.

It is no secret that i am not the girliest of girls. Don't get me wrong, I love a mani/pedi as much as the next girl, but you would not catch me dead in make-up, glitter or any kind of pink. In fact, I looked, but unfortunately could not find, the photo of my mother and my maid of honor sitting on me on my wedding day so that my mother could apply mascara to my face and therefore be somehow vindicated for all the wrongs she done me.

But, I digress. My daughter is stuck in what I have decided is a permanent fashion crisis. At first, I would take photos of the outfits and it was cute. Now I am becoming concerned. Yesterday's outfit was a green baseball jersey, white eyelet skirt with yellow and orange butterflies, knee high purple and pink stripe socks, a red hair bow and blue galoshes with red cherries on them. The mishmash of colors isn't what alarms me. It is the bipolar personality clashes. Baseball with princess skirts, pirate eye patches with tiaras, shark shirts with tutus.

don't even post on here that I am supposed to embrace the gender bending tendencies of the enlightened 21st century that tells my daughter it is okay to love bugs and ballet. It is freaking exhausting for her parents. Ellie, her best friend, is it pink, is it princess? Then she loves it done. Us? Every trip to the store, library, etc is a crap shoot. Every time you think you have right answer, Olivia will love this book about sea creatures, she loves sharks. Nope dolphins and starfish, lame. Squid, oh they're kick ass. Irish dancers-no, flamenco-yes.

I was cleaning out her toy room today and it is just a mishmash of bizarre crap. The kid doesn't have blocks, but has has a jar full of bugs. She doesn't own a tea set, but she has like five homemade magic wands. So, yes, today is the day that i am freaking out that I have made my kid that freaky nerd who has no friends and comes to school half in pajamas half in clothes. oh marches to her own drummer is cute, until it is your kid.