Note about postings

Please page down a bit because I realeased some photos and posts that had been in my "drafts" folder. Apparently, they post at the time when you first wrote them as opposed to when you actually published them.

Everyone's A Cynic

So either I am a dark person in a dark place or the last few days of my existance has been fodder for this post. It will make you feel jaded; here are two things I have experienced in the past two days that make me want to vomit.

1) That CNN debate. Seriously? Who didn't even show up to that debate? I am voting for them. When the number of videos on YouTube of animals doing tricks vastly outnumbers anyone posting anything with a thought behind it you end up with a debate that should have been intercut with America's Funniest Home Videos clips. All the questions should have been, "Is my dog funnier when he does this, or this?" All the millions of crazy questions they could have gotten and they chose the same eight boring questions. Putting a face on it doesn't matter. These candidates don't care. You could be talking to them with a bloody stump and asking why, if you have a graduate degree that cost more than your house, do you still have to pay into your healthcare plan?

2) I overheard a man at lunch yesterday trying his damndest to convince his wife that, for tax purposes, they should place all of their assests into his name only. HE WANTS TO DIVORCE YOU AND TAKE YOUR MONEY! To all my girlfriends everywhere, get a post-nup. They exist, they work, and statistically speaking you are more likely to sacrifice your career and your income for your family, that is, if your husband wasn't making more than you to begin with. So make him pay upfront. Besides, once you have it writing that he will pay you bucketloads of spousal support you'll find out how he really feels about you cutting back to part-time.

i am sure that someone, somewhere can put a positive spin on these situations, but that person in not me.

Hello, I'm Your Mother And I will Be Your Cruise Director Today

So this week is one of those weeks where I have Olivia programmed from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to bed. In my defense, the kid has so much energy if I don't channel it constructively I am left with a child jumping up and down continuously screaming the happy birthday song at the top of her lungs. However, by about Wednesday you do start to fell like a cruise director. So I wonder if this is like every bride thinks she can be a wedding planner, every mother thinks she could be an activities director? Note Olivia's flamenco dancing, she even has the skirt hitch down (up?). It was a little unnerving to watch actually. Not only her ridiculously spot-on rhythm, but how far is it from flamenco to stripper, really? i just kept thinking, "Oh my God, i am watching a scene from the director's cut of Showgirls!" She's a dancer, not a stripper!

Detox

So I am finally back from my mom's and I have sufficently rested enough to post about something other than Harry Potter. Why is my mom's so exhausting? I share a double bed with my daughter, my mother has three cats and is a pack a day smoker so my allergies are basically debilitating and just for fun on this trip Olivia did a kamikazee dive from the bed and used my neck to break her fall. Couldn't move that for quite a few days. Oh, and my mom doen't believe that it is good for you unless it comes out of a box and is covered in salt. I love my family sooo much, which is why I continue to visit them frequently, however when my daughter comes home parrotting phrases like "Party like a rock star" and "I am going to come at you like a spider monkey" I need to go into detox so that my head doesn't explode in rage and frustration.

So Olivia and I have been eating all homemade foods, gardening and today we are going to play all day just the two of us. Did i mention how loud my mother's house is? Ugh, so loud. We are looking forward to Chad coming home tonight. We have only seen him for 48 hours in the last ten days so that is exciting and will greatly improve Olivia's mood which has been somewhere between despondant and surly for the past few days.

So after Chad's arrival tonight, preparations for the big 3-0 celebration begin and they will be detailed and extensive. If I am going to accept it, I am going to accept it with gusto. And by gusto I mean booze.

Don't Read This If You Don't Want To Know About Harry

I am exhausted. Olivia was still a baby that slept a lot when the last one came out and my family was less than cooperative in helping me get some peace and quiet so i skimped on sleep and now I want to sleep for a month. And he doesn't even die at the end. I wanted him to die, i thought that would have been an excellent resolution. Way more real than that crappy epilogue. I don't care if it is a children's book, no child is served with a crappy ending like that.

Getting my nerd on

I have my invitation to my midnight Harry Potter party and I have been assured that I will not be the only childless adult there. Not that I would really care. Seriously, if I could dress up I would. My sister offered to put in hair extentions so I could go as Hermione and, sadly, my hesitation was based solely on my sister getting at my hair.

I do love the Harry books, but mostly I love getting a weekend where I have an excuse to say "screw everyone else", until I finish this book I am not doing anything but what I want to do.

If you have not read the book by Monday, I promise that I will make advance warnings of spoilers, but that sucker will be read and I will be posting about it. I can't wait to take Olivia to the theme park. What I am doing posting, I could be a my parent's library making wands!

Pillow Talk Scene Two

Both watching inane Pepsi ad-



Liz: That is such crap, none of the countries or people in this ad have the money for, or access to, a Pepsi. If they did they would probably dump out the Pepsi and use the empty bottle to create a Molotov cocktail that they would launch at the nearest American interest.



Chad: I am way more concerned about that whale, no way would a whale do that in the wild. Maybe as part of a Sea World act? If someone threw him fish? Or is that just dolphins? No, whales are smarter than dolphins.

Liz: Are you crazy? Dolphins are smarter than you! We have like 900 chromosomes in common.

Chad does an eerily convincing dolphin, noise. I respond with something that sounds like an injured seal.

Chad: Screw pod casting we should have our own reality show, we are way funnier than Posh and Becks. Fuck them.

End scene.